WORLDVIEW: No regrets when God calls

Ten years ago, Karen Watson and four other Southern Baptist humanitarian workers were driving back to Mosul after a day of visiting villagers in need of clean water when gunmen pulled alongside their vehicle and opened fire, killing Watson and three others. Erich Bridges tells the moving story of Watson's union with Christ, her Bridegroom.

“Eight Reasons to Elect me SBC President” by the Unappreciated Pastor

As some of you may know, I was nominated as president of the SBC recently by one of my followers on Twitter. To my surprise, a second quickly followed. I take this opportunity to publicly state that I accept the nomination. I look forward to a lively debate with the other nominees. Please allow me to outline some of the reasons I should be president of the SBC.

An anon twitter personality has never been elected president of the SBC. I know this may come as a surprise to you, but it is true. Fifty-nine times we have elected a president. The SBC has existed for almost 170 years and not once have we elected an anonymous twitter account as president. I think it is time that those of us without a face or name have a voice. Electing me as your president would be a historical moment, crashing the glass ceiling that has kept anonymous Twitter accounts away from the presidency for over 150 years.

I would have dunking booths at the annual meetings. Let’s face it, there are polarizing figures in the SBC. I would have these figures inside the dunking booths. Messengers could take their turn at dunking those who represent movements in the SBC they believe to be detrimental. This would also serve as an opportunity to immerse those within the convention who hold to sprinkling as a mode for baptism. Finally, it would help to relieve stress caused by things like reading the comment sections of blogs.

I would discourage boycotts. Let’s face it; they don’t seem to be working. I have a plan to show how much I support discouraging boycotts. Whenever someone is elected President of the SBC confetti will fall, balloons will descend, and with a camera in his face the new president will declare “I’m going to Disney World!” I believe that would make a statement to a watching world of how serious we are at boycotting boycotts.

I would retire certain slogans that churches put on their signs. I am aware that some of our churches hold in high esteem certain catchy phrases that continue to appear on SBC church signs across America. Retiring these slogans will show them that while we hold the pithy statements in esteem, it is time for others to take their place. Never again would we have to see phrases such as:

“Ch_ _ch, Guess What’s Missing? U R?”

“We’re Not Dairy Queen, but our Sunday’s are Great!”

“You Think it’s Hot Here?”

At the annual convention there will be a scheduled time in which we play soft music while showing deceased church sign slogans on a screen. At the end of the presentation we will have a short prayer. An “In Memoriam” page containing the slogans will be in your book of reports. This I promise as your new president.

New churches would have to have their name approved by a committee. I am speaking specifically of church splits that result in new church starts. Such churches would be discouraged from identifying with titles like Unity, Fellowship, and New Beginnings. Alternative names would be suggested such as “Madder than Fire” or “We Were Right” Baptist church.

I would institute the policy of “Don’t ask don’t tell” on the issue of Calvinism. It seems to me we get along better when we don’t know where others stand. Calvinism is a polarizing issue in our convention. The SBC is a big tent. We also have a big closet. I think lots of folks could fit in that closet.

I would develop a draft system between struggling churches and our seminaries. The 32 weakest churches would have first pick from our graduates. This should help increase baptisms as well as financial giving.

We would make the floor time at the Convention more interesting. If we are being honest, many of us come to the convention simply for the questions and comments that come from the floor. We need more time for this. I would double the amount of time presently allocated. As well, the well-known characters would have theme music playing as they walked to the mic. The music would be tailored to the stereotype we have of that individual. For instance, Al Mohler would enter to the Jeopardy theme song. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to have Michael Buffer on standby either. If the individual surpassed the allocated time given the following steps would be taken:

First, the speaker is warned by the moderator.

Second, background music would be played (like at the Oscars).

Third, the fire alarm would be pulled.

These are just a few of the ideas I have as President of the SBC. If time permits, I may outline a few more. With your help I hope to be the first of my kind to hold this office. I hope I can count on you.